Jon Lovitz hosts RAW as a new General Manager is named. Plus, Abraham Washington meets his match…

RAW 5/24/10 Fan Script

1: Pre-Tape- Highlights from Over the Limit.

2: Show Opens- US Champion the Miz enters the ring.

The Miz:

I supposed you all want an explanation as to what happened last night. As the United States Champion, I expect to be treated like a Champion something these guest hosts are not treating me as. You see last week’s “illustrious” guest host Buzz Aldrin forced me to wrestle not once but twice last night at Over the Limit. Immediately, after being cheated out of the Unified Tag Team Championship, I was forced to defend my US title against R-Truth, something I was not in the proper shape to do, something R-Truth, had he had any courage, would’ve realized when he came out to claim his shot. I did not have the proper time to rest and recover so I could defend my US title at one hundred percent. Had I been one hundred percent, I would not have confused the referee for R-Truth. But, that’s what happens when you have celebrity guest hosts making decisions they know nothing about. So, I did what any good champion would do, I called my attorney, spoke with the WWE Board of Directors, and now guest hosts no longer have the power to make matches. That’s right thanks to me no more will a D-list celebrity tell me where and when I have to defend my title.

Music hits. Guest Host Jon Lovitz enters the ring to Miz’s dismay.

Lovitz:

Hello, hello people. Oh, sorry Miz. Anyway I just got off the phone with Vince McMahon and I’m working on a deal to buy ten percent of the company.

Miz:

Excuse me?

Lovitz:

Also, I’ve noticed that a lot of WWE Superstars have hidden talents, so tonight I’m hosting a contest to find the most talented member of the WWE Universe.

Miz:

Hey, Jay Sherman!

Lovitz:

Actually, I’m not Jay Sherman but…

Miz:

Really? You actually have the nerve to come out here and interrupt me so you can make some stupid announcements.

Lovitz:

Actually, I was about to make a big one. If you would’ve let me finish Miz, I was about to announce that during my conversation with Vince McMahon, he told me to announce that he has chosen a general manager for RAW, and that general manager is none other than Bret “Hitman” Hart!

Bret’s music hits and he enters to the ring.

Bret:

Hello Miz. In case you haven’t heard, there’s a new sheriff in town, and yes I too believe a Champion should be treated with respect. I also believe that a Champion needs to act like a Champion, and your actions last night Miz was conduct unbefitting of a Champion, so I figured twenty four hours is more than enough time for you to rest up and decided you’re going to defend your title in a rematch with R-Truth, and if you get yourself counted out or disqualified, you’ll not only lose the match but you’ll also lose the US title.

Miz:

What!

Bret:

Now, before you go off into another tirade, I should probably tell you your match is within the next hour, so I suggest you keep your mouth shut, get to the back, change into your wrestling gear, and start warming up sooner rather than later!

Miz exits.

Bret:

Now, onto more serious business, Fatal Four Way is coming up and four men are going to compete for the Unified Championship. That’s two men from RAW and two men from SMACKDOWN. I’ve been informed that one of the representatives from SMACKDOWN is none other than the Big Show! So it’s my pleasure to announce that representing RAW will be the new number one contender, Sheamus and, of course, the Unified Heavyweight Champion Sting! Thank you now enough talking, now lets the best era of RAW there is, best of era of RAW there was, and best era there ever will be started!

Bret exits.

3: Ezekiel Jackson over Goldust.

Cut to commercial.

4: Unified Champion Sting comes to the ring. Sting praises Cena for his performance in last nights match before calling out Sheamus. Sheamus comes out and attacks Sting, who fells him with the baseball bat.

5: Backstage: Edge is in Bret Hart’s office.

Bret:

So, what you’re saying is you want me to remove someone from the Fatal Four Way match and put you in.

Edge:

No, I’m saying I should be given a one on one title shot against Sting. I mean think about it Bret, the Stinger against the Rated R Superstar, it’s never happened before. Think of the money, think of the ratings, Bret. Think of the prestige…

Bret:

If you really want a title shot that badly, I could arrange for you to have a number one contender’s match with Sheamus.

Edge:

What? No! Sheamus earned his shot I’m just saying I should be in the title picture. I should be getting a shot tonight. The Rated R Superstar should be the Unified Champion.

Bret:

Well, if you want to be in contention I’ll get on the phone with SMACKDOWN General Manager, Theodore R. Long and arrange it so you can face the Big Show for his spot.

Edge:

No, that’s not what I want.

Bret:

Tell you what; I’ll give you an opportunity tonight. Seeing as how I don’t have a main event and Sting and Sheamus aren’t getting along why don’t you team with Sheamus to face Sting and John Cena, problem solved.

Edge:

That didn’t solve my problem.

Bret:

No, it solved mine.

6: Evan Bourne and Gail Kim over Zach Ryder and Rosa Mendes. Cut to commercial.

7: US Championship Match: US Champion the Miz and R-Truth battle to a draw.

  • At the match’s conclusion Bret Hart announces that the two will meet again for the title at “Fatal Four Way” where there must be a winner. To insure a victory a panel of celebrity judges will score the match should it go to a draw.

8: Backstage: Maryse is admiring her newly regained Divas Championship belt. Ted DiBiase enters and she asks if he can bring her more gold. He answers that he has a plan to get the Unified Championship, one he learned from his Dad. Cut to commercial.

9: Guest Host Jon Lovitz is escorted to the ring by the Bella Twins. In the center of the ring is a judge’s table, where he and the Bellas will try to find the most talented member of the WWE Universe.

  • Jillian Hall comes out first and is immediately disqualified.
  • Abraham Washington’s music hits and he does a stand up comedy routine so terrible it cannot be written.

Lovitz:

Terrible. In the words of my character Jay Sherman, your act ‘stinks’.

Abe:

What? You wanna talk about something that stinks let’s talk about your last movie, Lovitz? What did it go, direct to DVD? Yeah, that didn’t stink.

Lovitz:

At least, I starred in a movie that went direct to DVD. But you know what Abe; I’ve been unfair to you. You actually have a dedicated fan base, one so rabid they wanted to send you a message. Just turn to the Titan Tron.

Abe, the Bella Twins and Jon Lovitz turn toward the Titan Tron, where Statler and Waldorf appear.

Statler:

Hey Abe, I think you owe the audience their money back.

Abe:

Why?

Statler:

False advertising.

Abe:

False advertising? What are you talking about? I’m the most entertaining man in Sports Entertainment, if anything I’m owed extra.

Statler:

Well, you’re not playing any sports.

Waldorf:

And you certainly aren’t entertaining!

(Statler and Waldorf laugh)

Abe:

Uh huh huh huh. You remind me of that big dummy I fired. Let me ask you something, why don’t you come down here and try to do better.

Statler:

I can’t do worse.

Abe:

Yeah, can you wrestle?

Statler:

No.

Abe:

Can you tell jokes?

Statler:

Nope.

Abe:

So what would you do?

Waldorf:

What you’re doing.

Abe:

That’s it. I’m about to come up there and put both of you in a sleeper hold.

Statler:

No you won’t.

Abe:

Why not?

Waldorf:

You can’t.

Abe:

Why not?

Waldorf:

You have the audience in one!

(They laugh again)

Lovitz:

They really love you Abe. And you know who else does?

Abe:

Who?

Lovitz:

Our two ushers, boy’s come on out!

Mark Henry and The Great Khali enter dressed as ushers and remove Abraham Washington from the arena.

10: Backstage: Chris Jericho walking toward the entrance ramp. Cut to commercial.

11: Chris Jericho over Santino Marella- Jericho hits Santino with the code breaker for the win.

12: Unified Tag Team Champions The Hart Dynasty w/ Natalya over Two Jobbers.

  • Afterwards the Hart Dynasty and Natalya are attacked by three unidentified assailants.
  • Cut to commercial.

13: Backstage: Bret Hart is talking with security in his office, demanding that they find whoever assaulted the Hart Dynasty.

14: Backstage: Todd Grisham interviews John Cena. Cena says that though he lost last night at Over The Limit, he is going to pursue the Unified Heavyweight Championship, even if it means starting at the bottom.

15: The Fallen Angel Christopher Daniels over Ted DiBiase w/ Virgil and Maryse via DQ- William Regal, Ezekiel Jackson, and Vladimir Kozlov attack Daniels. Cut to commercial.

16: Sheamus and Edge over Unified Heavyweight Champion Sting and John Cena- Sheamus hits Sting with a bicycle kick and pins him.

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