The Right Wing Conspiracy

By

Todd Matthy

Update: I’ve decided to go back and revise this sketch. In doing so I was left with the option of either taking this version down or leaving it up and posting the new one so you can see how the sketch evolved. I am proud to say I have chosen the latter. So enjoy the first draft. Revised edition coming soon.

Here is the first draft of my foray into the world of Political Theatre begins with an homage to a classic Monty Python that will make the Capitol Steps proud. Disclaimer: This sketch does not endorse the Democrats or the Republicans. It is merely meant to be read or performed by your friends during a wine and cheese party. Click below to read.

Scene: A Democratic Congressman’s office. The Congressman and a CNN reporter are discussing a bill that would end the involvement of Private Defense Firms in war. Unfortunately for them the Republican’s blocks the bill. They are trying to figure out a way to pass it and get the Republican’s on board. The Congressman is clearly stressed beyond the breaking point.

Reporter:

So, Congressman, how do you plan to persuade the Republican Senators and Congressmen to join your side in passing this controversial bill?

Congressman:

It’s going to be difficult Miss. Private Defense Firms have tight ties with the military industrial complex, and are fervent supporters of the Republican Party, especially those on the far right who want to keep us living in fear. Thus increasing the demand for their services.

Reporter:

It sounds a right wing conspiracy.

Congressman:

I’d say the same. Though in matters like this you tend to expect a right wing conspiracy.

(Enter: The Right Wing Conspiracy; a Televangelist, Texas Oil Baron, and a CIA Director. They arrive in a similar manner to the Spanish Inquisition from the old Monty Python sketch. Actually they should arrive exactly the same.)

CIA Director:

Nobody expects the Right Wing Conspiracy. Our chief weapons are shock and awe, two weapons, and fanatical devotion to the status quo, three weapons.  You (pointing toward the Report) are under arrest for conspiring with America’s enemies. How do you plead?

Reporter (being handcuffed by the Televangelist and Oil Baron):

Not guilty.

CIA Director:

Bah! A strong one. We have ways of dealing with you. We’ll see how you stand up to some Harsh Interrogation! Boys, take her to (sinister whispering) Gitmo.

Televangelist:

No! Not Gitmo!

Oil Baron:

Ah say, splendid idea. Gitmo!

The Right Wing Conspiracy laughs diabolically then lead the reporter off in handcuffs.

Exit. Stage right. All players.

Scene: Guantanamo Bay. We are in an interrogation room. The Right Wing Conspiracy leads the blindfolded Reporter, and shackle her to an eyebolt in the floor.

CIA Director:

What do you know about an attack? When did you learn about it? And when will it take place?

Reporter:

I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t even understand the charges.

CIA Director:

Yes you do. Treason. Using anonymous sources, and writing articles espousing the virtues of Universal Health Care.

Reporter:

That’s not illegal.

CIA Director:

Hah! According to the U.S. Patriot Act, you are a “person of interest” and therefore can be brought in for questioning. Reverend!

Televangelist:

Do confess for the sake of your soul…and afterward please donate to my ministry. My dead Mother spoke to me from Heaven and said the Lord wants you to send me money for a Jetski.

CIA Director:

Oh enough with the Mother story. Baron.

Oil Baron:

Yes, sir!

CIA Director:

It’s time to start the interrogation.

Oil Baron:

Do Ah get to shoot ‘er?

CIA Director:

Only if we need to make her disappear…for now make  this place a little…colder.

Oil Baron exits and returns with a giant fan which turn on directly in front of the Reporter.

CIA Director:

Feeling chilly?

Reporter:

Actually, it’s quite nice thank you. I was feeling hot and stuffy.

CIA Director:

So, are you ready to tell us what you know?

Reporter:

I told you, nothing.

Televangelist:

She’s a tough one.

CIA Director:

Indeed. (He turns off the fan) We’re going to have to resort to something drastic. (The three of them pause in contemplation) It’s time for Waterboarding!

Exit Conspirator’s Two and Three for a moment. They return carrying a table along with two water administrators debating anything and everything related to water.

Water Board Member One:

I highly recommend we continue the process of fluoridation. Tooth decay is on the rise and is a public health…

Water Board Member Two (interrupting):

And make the American taxpayer pay and extra $.94 in taxes? You’re mad!

Water Board Member One:

But it’s for the public good. It prevents tooth decay, which can lead to facial deformities. Not to mention the gum disease “gingivitis”.

Water Board Member Two:

No, it can’t.

Water Board Member One:

Yes, it can.

Water Board Member Two:

Yes, it can.

The two bicker back and forth.

Reporter:

Is there a purpose to this? Because I have a dinner to attend.

Enter. An ACLU Lawyer, who serves papers to all three Conspirators. The Reporter remains chained.

ACLU Lawyer:

Stop. I represent the American Civil Liberties Union and this is a blatant violation of this woman’s Civil Rights, Civil Liberties, Human Rights, Woman’s rights, Constitutional Rights, and the Geneva Convention.

Conspirator One:

What are you talking about? The Patriot Act grants us the right to interrogate anybody we suspect to have been involved, is currently involved, or planning to be involved with terrorists.

ACLU Lawyer:

Do you have a warrant? Proof?

Conspirator One (going through his pockets):

I had it in this pocket.

Enter. A Copyright Lawyer, who serves everybody on the stage.

Copyright Lawyer:

Stop! Stop this sketch immediately. Shut it down. Shut it all down.

Conspirator One:

What’s going on?

Copyright Lawyer:

What’s going on? This skit is in violation of copyright laws and was is blatant plagiarism of  “The Spanish Inquisition” from Monty Python’s Flying Circus.  And these two (pointing toward the Water board members) are copying Monty Python’s argument clinic.

Waterboard Member One:

Hey!

Waterboard Member Two:

We’re discussing important water related matters.

Conspirator One:

Shut up!

Enter. The sketch’s producer.

Producer:

What the hell’s going on?

Conspirator Three:

We’re have to stop the show or be sued for plagiarism.

Producer:

You! (Pointing at the ACLU lawyer) Does he have a case?

ACLU Lawyer:

Actually, I only have one year of…oh what the hell let me look it at it.

(He peruses the papers)

ACLU Lawyer cont.:

I’m afraid he’s right. We have to shut it down. Unless we want to run into real legal trouble.

Producer:

Fine, shut it down…this sketch was going nowhere any way.

Exit. The cast, except for the Reporter who is still chained up exits stage right as all the lights but the one above the Reporter are turned off.

Reporter:

Hello. I’m still chained here. Hello, Helloooooo…

Enter. A janitor mopping the floor.

Janitor:

Hey lady, the sketch’s over.

Reporter:

I know. Can you just unchain me?

Janitor:

Sure.

The janitor unchains her.

Reporter:

Thank you. (She turns to the audience) What are you still doing here? The show’s over. Go home.

The Reporter and Janitor exit stage right as the final light is turned off.

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